Looking Back, Moving Forward

As we come to a first full cycle, it feels appropriate to look back at the journey so far. As well as forward and the hopes and dreams still to be realised.

This time last year,  I was only just becoming aware that all was not quite right. Every cold seemed to turn into a chest infection and my  breath wasn’t as full as it used to be. As a precautionary  measure,  I spoke to my  GP.  That started a tsunami of events,  that at times were difficult  to digest and seemed to absorb every waking hour.

After the x-ray and those words none of us want to hear…  ’ there is a shadow there,  probably  nothing,  but well send you for further tests’.. the CT scan followed as did the Pet Scan. We were deep into clinical terminology  now  apart from that word,  the one we all know and hope or expect to dodge and sway away from… Cancer…then the  word Lung added to it and suddenly there is a numbness, a disbelief , an avoidance maybe even a denial of a very painful reality.

There is however  no time to digest  this new horizon. The tests are still flowing full bore and then there is family…and friends.  I’m not sure whether the positive  ‘we shall overcome’ approach was for them or me…in truth we all needed it…but in the process  there was a stuffing down of our emotions. For luckily in this journey , I wasn’t walking alone. My then partner, my now Wife, walked this road with me.

In so many ways , I do feel it was more of a challenge to my loved ones, than it was for me. I was having things done to me and in that, I was in every very real moment going with it…everyone else on the outside looking in with a powerlessness that at times must have felt almost overwhelming.

Time, and the physicians were in a hurry, luckily, but the roller coaster rode on… On seeing the surgeon, what I expected to be the removal of the tumour,  turned very quickly into the removal  of the whole upper lobe… and the surgeon coming out with ‘ I think I can fit you in  next  Friday’ what…that soon.. so once again, no time to absorb..

At this point  I  must  say I have much gratitude.  I feel I was truly fortunate that they caught it early enough only a 2b in lung language.. if ‘only’ is the correct word to use. I also feel I had an amazing surgeon, great nurses and clinicians and so  much great support.  None more so than that that we received  and still do at the Axminster and Lyme Cancer Support.  We didn’t know how crumpled and exhausted we were, until we walked into the centre and were met by Mary and her volunteers.  Within   minutes we were both in floods of tears,  releasing the torrent of emotions we had dared to feel into.  The centre was such a safe place  certainly an oasis of calm and continues to be.

I guess the travel didn’t help, the operation was carried out at Derriford Plymouth, back and forth pre-opp. So after a brief visit to see the families, you never know what to expect with an operation, The day came…even now 10 months on, it’s quite a blur. One minute you’re who you were, then  the world has changed.

Even after a major operation, they want to move you on as soon as possible, 4 days later and we were travelling home…with Covid.. not that I knew it at the time.. On reflection it was early on in my recovery to have such a test, but we overcame it.

It has taken and is still taking time to adjust. Where once I had an expectation to largely return to who and how I was, I know now this is unlikely to be the case. We all have to adjust to new realities, to have acceptance  of who and what we are in that and every moment.

One of the most challenging elements post opp, is not having spoken to anyone else who has had lung cancer and lung surgery.. It can be such a desolate, isolated place when you feel you are roaming the wasteland of recovery in such a solitary state.

However, we are getting there. We had our first flight and holiday away. That was a big one, wondering how my body would cope with the change of air pressure …no problem as it turned out. Digging the garden.. yes, though I have to pace myself now. In truth I can do most things, albeit maybe differently, slowly and more consciously.

So what a year it’s been…I have so much gratitude for all those who have gotten me to this place and space in time.

Am I there yet?  No way…the landscape of life has changed and is still changing, somethings lost, some gained. Am I heading in the right direction…I think so